Month: April 2012

Posted on

Take time to smell the dandelions.

Two dandelions

In many ways, Mary Tyler Dad is a better parent than I am.  He has a capacity to be with Mary Tyler Son and not feel pressured by the dirty dishes or the laundry or the piles of toys that have migrated out of the playroom and into the living room, bedroom, bathroom, closet, etc.  I fully get that what I just wrote sounds a bit like a backhanded compliment, but it’s not.  It is full on compliment.  When my two boys are together, they are together.  Really together.  Not distracted by screens or Blackberries or household chores. 

I feel eternally distracted around the boy when at home.  It’s why I plan activities out of the house for us when I am with him alone the days I don’t work at the office.  I am a way better parent looking for spiders at the Botanic Gardens or milking cows at Wagner Farm or wondering at jellyfish at the aquarium or even shopping for groceries and marveling at the dead fish for sale behind the glass counter.  Distractions have been removed.  No screens, no laundry, no dinner, no blog to write, no facebook to check, no mess to clean up.  Just me and my boy, having another adventure in the world. 

I think Mary Tyler Son knows this about his parents.  It’s why nine times out of ten he wants to play with Dad at 6:00 AM instead of me.  It makes me feel selfish and small and guilty as hell.  But I don’t mind crowds and events as much as Mary Tyler Dad, who would be perfectly content to take the kid to the park every day as his outing.  It’s our parenting yin and yang, and for the most part, it works. 

On Monday, I had a fundraising meeting way out in the suburbs.  It was with other moms, so we planned to meet at a cafe and play type place.  It was good — coffee and caffeine for the moms and lots of amusements for the little ones.  Our sons played while we planned.  I teased Mary Tyler Son mercilessly on the drive out, telling him the place we were going was called NAP-erville and that there was a town rule that all children had to sleep the whole time they were there.  He had giggle fits with this idea.  Scheduling worked out fairly well until I realized I had nothing to serve for dinner and needed to stop at a grocery before home.  Strategically I reviewed the pros and cons and decided to shop in the suburbs in case Mary Tyler Son fell asleep on the long drive home.  Nothing worse that waking up from a sound snooze and having your mom drag you into a grocery store to buy onions. 

With groceries quickly bought and settling in for the hour drive home, I knew my mom mission was to keep the kid awake to preserve his nap time at home in a proper bed rather than in a car seat.  We weren’t far off, but cutting it awful close.  I used my most animated voice to announce a new game — The Question Game was born.  For about forty-five minutes I shot questions to the boy for him to answer.  He surprised me with his responses.  Here are just some of the things I learned:

  • He would rather eat Rice Krispies than anything else for breakfast, lunch, and dinner;
  • Given the choice of visiting anywhere in the world, he would choose the Shedd Aquarium;
  • The flower he will give all future romantic interests will be the dandelion; and
  • When taking a trip around the world, his preferred mode of transport would be the rocket ship.

We had fun.  The lack of distractions allowed us to just be together.  I like my kid.  He is smart, clever, silly, naughty, witty.  Plus, he has the best hair ever.  And the Question Game worked, as he nodded off just ten minutes from home and transferred like a champ, for another 90 minutes of peace in his bed.

Yesterday, we were walking home from the babysitter and Mary Tyler Son noticed all the seeded dandelions sprouting up.  The gorgeous, fluffy kind.  I saw them because he showed them to me.  I saw them and realized that, yeah, the dandelion is a beauty, in both its forms.  It’s yellow is floral sunshine and it’s delicate seeds creating the fluffy globe effect are gorgeous, in their own way.

I’m grateful to have a kid to help me connect to the wonder that is all around us.  Too often it gets lost in the noise and the chaos of life.  Sometimes I think that because I will always and forever have a four year old daughter, I will always and forever be open to that wonder that our kids connect with so easily.  I hope so.  Geez, it’s the least the Universe could do for me. 

So rather than hurry home and think about folding the laundry or cooking dinner, Mary Tyler Son and I took our sweet time enjoying those dandelions.  He picked four — two for me and two for him.  He made the most hilarious faces, looking like the Big Bad Wolf trying to blow those seeds off their stem.  It took a while, but he got every last one.  When his were finished, he asked for mine.  When those were done, he asked for a vase for the stems.  And that vase sits on the kitchen counter surrounded by last night’s dishes that didn’t get done.  Laundry is still unfolded, too.  I might get to it tonight.  I might not.  Depends on what adventures are in store for my boy and I.

Blowing the dandelion

Posted on

Ladybugs are a Good Thing.

Atia as Ladybug

Three years ago today, a little ladybug of a girl was diagnosed with leukemia.  Just 17 months old at the time, Atia went through two years of aggressive daily chemotherapy.  Gratefully, Atia’s treatments worked.  Today she is an active four year old, busy with school, gymnastics, soccer, ballet and jazz.

Atia’s mom, Laura, a fellow ChicagoNow blogger, could have easily called it a day and worked hard to forget the nightmare that is pediatric cancer.  She herself is a survivor and I believe wholeheartedly that no one would have thought anything about the family moving forward, doing their best to leave Cancerville in the rearview mirror.

Laura didn’t do that.

During frequent hospital stays at Comer Children’s Hospital at the University of Chicago, Laura saw that not all children had the resources that Atia had.  Many, many families go through the burden of pediatric cancer only to face the additional burden of financing it.  Think about that.  Can you imagine worrying about how you would pay for your child’s cancer treatment?  Oy.

Laura could imagine it, as she saw it unfold throughout Atia’s treatment.  Wanting to help those families needing it the most, as well as the children facing grueling treatments like her daughter. Laura wanted to help.  She is a fierce Cancer Mom.  Out of that witnessing and wanting to do, Atia’s Project Ladybug Fund was formed.

On Thursday, May 17, Atia’s Project Ladybug will be hosting their 2nd Annual Ladybug Bash, with a Stars and Cars theme.  This is the non-profit’s primary fundraiser and  enables them to  provide some of the following:

  • emergency funding to offset the cost of emergency transportation, rent, groceries, utilities, and other basics of day-to-day like for pediatric cancer families, many of whom lose income revenue if one parent quits their job to care for their child;
  • Ladybug Love for the Holidays, providing gifts to Comer patients and their siblings;
  • Ladybug Comfort Baskets, that are received during early hospital admissions; and
  • Ladybug Lunches for pediatric cancer families.

To honor the 3rd anniversary of Atia’s diagnosis today, Atia’s Project Ladybug Fund is trying to sell 184 tickets to the event — one ticket each for the number of children that would have been diagnosed with cancer on April 17, 2010, 2011, and 2012.  I like that.  Guests will enjoy an evening of cocktails, food tastings, a fashion show, and musical entertainment in the “Ladybug Lounge.”

Here’s a great news clip from earlier this week about Atia’s Project Ladybug Fund and the Ladybug Bash:http://www.cltv.com/blogs/living-healthy-chicago/wgntv-atias-project-ladybug-fund-20120412,0,475698.story

You can purchase a ticket and get all the details on the posh event here:http://ladybugbash.charityhappenings.org/

And for all those Real Housewife fans out there, Dina Manzo, the founder of Project Ladybug and original New Jersey Real Housewife, will be there bringing the bling.

I love a happy ending!

 

 

Posted on

Rosen v. Romney: The Mommy Wars Continue

Last night, Democratic political strategist Hilary Rosen referred to Ann Romney, wife of Mitt and mother of five sons, as, “never having worked a day in her life.”  For a political strategist, that was an incredibly impolitic thing to say.  I understand what her point was, but because of Rosen’s unfortunate language, her point is not really the point anymore, is it?  

I’m going to leave the politics aside, and focus on this decades long debate of the so called “Mommy Wars,” the tension, spoken and unspoken, between stay-at-home moms and working moms.  Technically speaking, though, I am already stepping in the Mommy Wars myself by referring to “working moms.”  To be clear — I know that ALL MOMS WORK.  Okay?  For the purposes of this post, Imma keep it simple and refer to these two camps with this language.

And the sad truth is that it does feel like two separate camps much of the time.  Mary Tyler Mom was started as a blog about “working and mothering simultaneously.”  It’s evolved a bit, but being a woman who works outside the home absolutely influences my perspective of mothering.  Just as being a stay-at-home mom influences others.

I am grateful to have a strong following on facebook (join the fun here, yo), with an active page of 5,300 plus followers, 96% of whom are women.  My facebook community is an anthropologist’s dream — a slice of life of today’s woman.  Most are moms, some are not.  Some of us work outside the home, some do not. 

With those demographics, one can glean quite a bit about how the Mommy Wars play out.  The ladies are often ready to rumble.  If I unthinkingly refer to myself as a “working mom,” I will quickly be reminded that all moms work.  My bad.  Mea culpa, SAHMS.  If I post about an interesting article I read looking at young Queen Elizabeth II as a working mom, some will quickly point out that QEII, with her army of nannies, was not a working mom. 

It’s a tight rope sometimes. 

What seems to be the common denominator is that women closely identify with their employment/mothering status and are quickly ready to defend it.  I often hear, “I wish I could clock out at 5 PM!” Or this one, “When does the stay-at-home mom get a weekend?” 

Really, guys?  Really?  Does anyone actually think that the working mom clocks out at 5 PM and her work is done?  Not a chance in dinner and bedtime hell.  Working moms clock out, race home to reunite with their kids, cook dinner, do laundry, shop for groceries, and clean their homes.  And weekends?  Forget weekends when you’re a working mom.  Those are reserved for all the things you were supposed to do after 5 PM, but chose to ignore so that you could read those books, drive to lessons, and snuggle at bed time.  The household duties claim much of the weekend for many a working mom.  It sucks. 

Alternately, there is some confusion from the working mom, too.  A fellow blogger wrote a humorous piece this week about being a “house frau.”  She talked about drinking wine in her yoga pants and organizing activities for her kids.  This gal got slammed and labeled a, “princess.”  Staying at home with the responsibility for two young kids under 5 is nothing that a princess would engage in.  As the QEII thread established, royals have nannies.  Most SAHMs do not. 

When I read divisive comments like that, flung from one woman to another, I cringe.  There is such a profound lack of empathy towards our fellow moms.  Ultimately, I think it relates to our own feelings about whatever circumstance we find ourself in. 

Who among us that is a SAHM does not fantasize, or at least wonder, what it might be like to leave the little ones with someone else for a bit and go out into the world.  Alone.  Untethered.  Inversely, don’t many of us working moms want to live in a wardrobe of yoga pants and enjoy the quiet of a napping child from time to time?  Of course, I generalize, but my point is that its human nature to wonder how green another’s grass is.

A better approach would be to understand and empathize that no matter what your responsibilities are and where they play out, a mother’s kids are most likely the center of her universe.  Not always, but that’s another post entirely.

Stay-at-Home Moms:  I challenge you to think about everything that you do over the course of your day.  It’s a lot, right?  You are one freakishly busy gal.  Now think about trying to squeeze that in after a long day outside the home.  Think about that working mom that wants more than anything to help her kid bring homemade cupcakes for the school fundraiser, and will be doing it alone, at midnight, rather than with their kid as a bonding activity, missing those cute patches of flour in one another’s hair.  Think about a child falling on their knees and crying for their Daddy when their Mommy is right there.  That working mom is going to feel intense stabbing pangs of guilt, thinking (illogical as it is) that a child is supposed to cry for the mother, not their father when they need comfort.  “Why doesn’t my child cry for me?,” she wonders, feeling inadequate.   

Working Moms: I challenge you to think about the sisyphean nature of child, child, child all the time.  The unending need to fill their time, keep them safe, teach them well, feed them, comfort them, clothe them, diaper them, entertain them, ALL THE TIME.  No lunch hour (or often even 15 minutes).  No commute home to clear your head for a few minutes as you shift gears.  No shifting gears most of the time.  Think about the 45 minutes it takes to get a toddler dressed, pottied, and out the door.  Now think about doing that 3-5 times daily.  Oy.  Think about not talking to another adult between the hours of 8 AM and 6 PM, and when you do talk, all you talk about are child issues or household issues that the other adult might not be very interested in.  That hurts.

We are all mothers.  Some of us made choices to stay at home and mother.  Some of us made choices to work outside the home in addition to working in the home.  For others of us, choice is a luxury reserved for mothers like Gwyneth Paltrow.  You work because you have to, not because you want to.  You stay-at-home because it is what was expected of you, or what you thought you should do, not what you wanted to do.  We are all guilty.  We all think we could be doing it better.  We are all mothers.