Trading the Gin Bottle for a Baby Bottle

Did you ever have one of those mothering moments where you’re stopped cold in your tracks with the realization that, “Oh my God.  I am a mother.  His mother.  Her mother.  Their mother.  WOW.  I am a MOTHER.”  I don’t have them often, as I’ve been at this parenting thing since 2005, but every once in a while, that sensation kicks in and when it does, it packs a punch.

It happened most recently for me last Saturday night.  I was at an old friend’s home unexpectedly with my two kiddos in tow. Our husbands were heading out for a Bulls’ game together and neither one of us had yet met the other’s brand spanking new baby.  We were well past due, so decided to make an early evening of it.

I call this gal my “Fancy Friend,” well, because she’s fancy.  Not uptight.  Not snooty.  Not condescending.  Fancy.  She and her family live in a massive high rise unit right on Lake Michigan and the views will just bowl you over.  I feel privileged just being in their beautiful home.  The first few times I was pretty certain I would break something and never be invited back.  Well, I did break something, of course, and I’m still allowed in, so that tells you something about my Fancy Friend.  She’s a gem.

We all visited together and traded the appropriate ooohhhsss and aaahhhhsss over our respective babies — my boy born in September and her girl born in November.

After the husbands left we settled in and fed the babies.  It was around dinner time and we decided to order in.  Exhibit A of motherhood struck me. Any delivery would have to be fast, as I wanted to get the boys to sleep by 8, and satisfy a young child and a toddler in addition to us two tired moms. Dominos FTW!

Exhibit B struck me when my Fancy Friend joked that her wine glasses were dusty from lack of use.  In my house, wine is served in juice glasses.  I justify that by claiming it’s how all wine is consumed in Italy.  But my Fancy Friend, there, she knows how to entertain proper.

I have been to some epic parties at her home.  Epic parties.  Parties so good that you talk about them years later.  Parties so good that I will remember them fondly when I’m old and in a nursing home.  Parties so good that when I post about them on the Facebook, my friends who live in the suburbs have to pick their jaws up off the floor.

Yes, they were that good.

When we needed a night out during Donna’s cancer treatment, these were the folks we went out with to forget our troubles.  When my husband turned 40 and I threw him a surprise birthday party with a Mad Men theme, these were the folks who hosted, with the husband even going so far as to don a tuxedo for full effect.  These are the folks who hire bartenders at their parties so that their guests are as comfortable as possible.

Epic parties with Fancy Friends are the best parties ever.

But here we were, and what struck me was that with two babies in our arms, two little ones roaming at our feet with toys splayed out throughout the living room, foam tape wrapped around every sharp edge as far as the eye could see, eating Dominos pizza and drinking wine out of dusty glasses, we were both happy as freaking clams.

There is nothing fancy about babies or toddlers or four year old little boys. There is definitely nothing fancy about Dominos pizza.  Motherhood sure as hell ain’t fancy.  But it is fun and fulfilling and doesn’t require you wear Spanx or high heels.

Life changes.  My life has changed and my Fancy Friend’s life has changed, too.  That’s the way this whole life thing works, when it’s working.

Image courtesy of my Fancy Friend.
Image courtesy of my Fancy Friend.

Part of these life changes means that there are fewer (like not a single one) hangovers.  That our fatigue and lack of sleep is caused by late night feedings instead of wee morning drinkings.  Motherhood is the kind of life change that makes you realize the bar in the living room is the perfect height for a second diaper changing station.

It happens.  Motherhood changes you.  There are simply fewer gin bottles and a massive number of baby bottles.  Isn’t that lovely?

Happy New Year to you.  It has and continues to be my absolute pleasure and honor to write these posts and have you read them. Thank you for that and may 2014 only bring blessings your way.

A Seat at the Bar With Studs

When you grow up in Chicago, when your people are historians and class conscious labor historians at that, well, Studs Terkel is on your radar.  And I am all the richer for it.  My writing pal Andy asked me to blog about meeting a writer that inspires at a bar.  What might that look like?  I chose Studs.  It had to be Studs.  Won’t you join us?

Tap, tap, tap.  “Mr. Terkel?”  Nothing.  Shaking shoulder gently, “MR. TERKEL, SIR?”

“Why are you calling me Sir?  Sit down already.”

The two times I met Studs Terkel were late in his life.  Both times he was wearing his signature red checked gingham shirt and a navy sport coat with gold, faintly nautical, buttons.  He is different than the Studs I imagined.  Smaller and older.  And definitely more hard of hearing.  Is that rouge on his cheeks?  He looks mischievous, curious, tired, oddly elf-like.  But then he opens his mouth.  It is Studs alright.

Studs Terkel, through the years, through the words.
Studs Terkel, through the years, through the words.

Studs Terkel was the consummate Chicagoan.  Russian Jewish, faintly like my husband’s origins.  He had the wide features of someone from Eastern Europe and the big ears I remember from my own Eastern European roots.  For about two minutes this summer Mary Tyler Dad and I seriously considered naming our baby Studs, as it met our requirements of a Chicago inspired moniker better than most of the others up for consideration.

But no.  There would be no Baby Studs in our life.  Instead, I would be satisfied with his words.  His many, many words.

A few things you need to know about Studs before you share a drink with him:

  • He was an oral historian, recording the stories of maids and presidents, newsmakers and bus drivers.  None of these stories were more important than the others.  
  • He was what I fondly refer to as a character.  I have known a few characters in my life, and I love them all.  In my book, a character is a person who is so consummately themselves, so completely who they are, that they present the same way no matter who they are with.  They will conduct themselves the same way with Snoop Dog or Charles Schulz.  There are not enough characters in this world of ours.
  • Like a good social worker, Studs Terkel intimately understood the relationship between the micro and the macro, the everyman and the dignitary, the haves and the have nots, the atheist and the true believer.  He wove this knowledge into everything he offered those who were lucky enough to partake — his books, his interviews, his radio shows.  Studs saw value everywhere in everyone.

“I’ve got to say, I am honored to sit here and drink with you.  What’ll you have?”

(This is where I get to imagine what a man like Studs Terkel might drink.)  “Well, first of all, stop with all the Sirs and being honored.  Let’s just sit and talk, okay?  I’ll have a decaf, barkeep.”  (I bet Studs in his prime was a Schlitz man.  Or, no, a Scotch drinker.)

And this is where I start to gush, clumsily trying to explain why I understand his words more than most, why I, too, get it. I puff up my lefty street cred.  How I am a social worker by trade, how my Dad used to spend Sunday afternoons driving us through both the projects and the fancy pants North Shore suburbs, wanting to teach us that we have more than some and less than some, how my sister is a labor historian and is my hero and taught me from the age of eight about things like feminism and classism, how one of my favorite life mantras is “folks is folks.”  Studs holds his hand up, the international symbol of enough, already.

I do that.  I gush sometimes when I get excited.  It’s a flaw, I know.

“Tell me something I want to hear, ” Studs said.

And then I tell him how his books have kept me company through the years, how the people he introduced me to have never left me.  When I read Race as a young adult, I better understood the deep and profound segregation in Chicago, our shared city.  When I read Working in high school I vowed to find work that was meaningful to me in my life, still without a clue what that might be.  When I read The Good War as a new social worker in a retirement community as a way to better understand the experiences of the men and women I was now working with clinically.  And how I kept reading to better understand my older clients — My American Century and Coming of Age:  The Story of Our Century by Those Who’ve Lived It.  

Again, Studs held his hand up.  “Enough about me.  I know what I’ve written.  This is not a job interview.  You,” he said, “I want to know about you.”

This flusters me.

I am lost.

So that’s what I tell him.  “I am lost,” I say.  Because it’s true.  And we talk about cancer and we talk about how I am no longer a social worker because my own sadness is too much to bear other people’s sadness in any way that would help them.  I tell him I no longer read books, that cancer took reading away from me, and that, ironically, it brought writing to me.  I told him that some days I am so lonely and some days I am so self-centered and some days, most days, I miss so much of my life before cancer.  I told him about motherhood being my anchor and my hope.

We talked a lot about hope.  And religion.  And faith.  And life.  And death.

And then he left.  And I paid for his coffee and my gin.  And on the way home, I stopped at a bookstore and bought Hope Dies Last:  Keeping the Faith in Difficult Times, because I suddenly want to read again.

Thank you, Mr. Terkel, Sir.

Studs and Chicago go hand in hand.
Studs and Chicago go hand in hand.

This is one is a series of posts about writers who inspire and sharing a drink with them.  They are catalogued here. 

I Am a Mom

This is part of the ChicagoNow Blog-a-palooza challenge.  Once a month all bloggers are given a writing prompt at 9:00 PM and instructed to write our little hearts out until 10:00 PM when all involved post simultaneously. Here is today’s prompt:

Write about something you learned or experienced since you woke up this morning.

Dammit.  I have not left the house today.  I did manage to change clothes, though, but that was sort of a bonus and not really intended.  I was standing in the downstairs hallway, just outside our laundry room, and realized I had been wearing the exact same clothes since Monday.  Today is Wednesday. That’s over 48 hours in the same fleece and Lands End stretch pants, and yes, underpants.  Ugh.  I stripped naked in the hallway and added them to the mounds of laundry, already separated, just waiting for me to take it to the next laundry level.

What in the hell has happened to me?, I thought to myself, standing naked and shivering in the cold hallway — I’m such a mom cliche.  Like a bad mom cliche.  And then it hit me:  I am a mom.

Whoa.

When in the Sam Hill did that happen?

Well, technically, it started about 8:10 AM on the morning of July 20, 2005, when my oldest child was born.  But that is when I became a mother, not necessarily a mom.

Those are different things, you know.

Today, all day, throughout the day, were these kind of, sort of LOUD announcements that I am a mom.  Standing naked in the pile of laundry was one.  An obvious one.  Doing dishes three times today was another.  Feeling stretched between my crying, hungry baby and my little boy home sick from school with a fever was in there.  Seeing my hair pulled back in a ponytail was one, sure.  Oh, yeah, and there were those piles of Christmas boxes needing to be brought back downstairs and no one to do that but me.

Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.  “MOM!  Can you put my juice on a coaster?!”

I honest to goodness never aspired to motherhood.  In fact, I think I was the least maternal woman I knew.  But things change, and so did I.   And now, right now, being a mom is the most important thing I do.  It is a repetitive gig. God love motherhood, but it is mind numbing at times.  The dust and the dishes and the laundry and the bed making.  I about want to scream some days.

But then a baby smiles at me in a way he smiles at no one else.  And I swoon.  And find the strength to wash his bottles and bibs.  Again.  And again.

Today, late in the day, really, the baby was sleeping and my boy was comfortably watching television.  I crept downstairs to tend to that laundry, still in progress.  For the first time in hours (days?) I was alone.  No one in my arms, no one clinging to my neck, no one asking for a snack or art supplies. I took in a full breath and moved the laundry.

Rather than cart the clean laundry upstairs to fold and put away, I opted to fold it downstairs.  It felt luxurious, that folding of laundry all alone.  I clicked on the television and those Real Housewife bitches (who you never see doing any damn laundry — real housewives, my ass) kept me company for the 20 minutes it took to fold the bibs and burp clothes and towels and boxers and super hero t-shirts.  Dare I say, it was relaxing, those twenty minutes of solitude and laundry.

As I made my way up the stairs, I heard a whimpering, a sniffle, a padding of footie pajamas on the hard wood floor.  Is that Mary Tyler Son, I wondered?

It was.  And he was scared and crying and looking, suddenly, not much bigger than his three month old brother.

“Mom, where were you?  I was worried,” and then another round of fresh tears burst out.

The poor honey.  I dropped the laundry, scooped up the boy and cradled him in my arms just like I would the baby.  You don’t really get the chance to cradle four year olds much anymore.  I soothed him and assured him and apologized profusely.

“Mommy’s here, pie.  Mommy’s here, sweet pea.  Mommy’s always here.  I will never leave you.”

I am a mom, a MOM, dammit, and these little people need me, rely on me, worry to the point of tears when they don’t know where I am and think I have left them all alone on a cold winter’s day.

That is some serious stuff, my friends.

So today I learned, that I am a mom.  And I have the kids and laundry and dishes and dust to prove it.  I am a mom.  That makes me one damn lucky lady, laundry and all.

Laundry