Suck It, Cancer: My Boy Is Five

Many, many moons ago I was in a crowded ER of Children’s Memorial Hospital.  Our daughter’s ER stays almost always happened late at night or in the wee hours of the morning.  We went when her neutropenic fevers reached the requisite 100.5 — the witching temperature for a child with cancer.

Often times there was a very kind and lovely social worker on duty.  Tierney was her name.  Once, when things didn’t look very good for Donna, I came out of our little ER room to get something for her.  Tierney was there and took me aside.  She asked how I was, how the family was.  It was never perfunctory when she asked.  She cared and she listened and it was easy to talk with her, to acknowledge the fear and terror I had become accustomed to in Cancerville.  She was an amazing social worker.

That night she gave me some words of wisdom that still shore me up.  She told me that while childhood cancer was a bastard, there would still be good moments in Donna’s life.  Lovely moments, joyful moments of childhood that had not a damn thing to do with cancer.  She encouraged me to recognize those moments when we were in the midst of them.  To own those moments, seldom as they may be some days, and really feel them.  And then, once the joy and wonder and love were acknowledged to say, “Take that, cancer.”

Tierney’s point was that while cancer sucked, like, supremely sucked, it didn’t banish all the good in our lives.  Cancer didn’t have that ability.  It could wreak havoc inside our girl’s body.  It could create fevers that had nothing to do with infection, but still required a long hospital stay.  It could make Donna’s hair fall out and rob her of the ability to jump and run like other little kids.  It could kill her, take our little girl’s life way the hell too soon.  Cancer could do all those things, and did, but it could not touch the joy and love in our lives.

Tierney wanted me to remember that.

And so I do.

Today, her words are really resonating with me.  Today, you see, is a Fuck You, Cancer kind of day.  Today, my oldest son, my boy, Donna’s beloved brother, turns five.  Happy Birthday, dear boy.  Happy Freaking Birthday!

My husband and I have been parenting for almost nine years now, but today is the first day we have parented a five year old.  That, my friends, is a gift.  It’s my son’s birthday, but that gift is all ours to enjoy and appreciate.  So you’ll forgive me if I am a little verklempt today.  I can’t seem to stop the tears from welling up here and there and pouring over.

I am so happy to be this boy’s mama.  I remember with intensity the joy Donna took in her brother.  The love she showered on him in the few months their lives overlapped.  The abject anger in her voice when, during her vigil, she popped straight up in bed, alarmed that her Dad and I were discussing taking her baby brother to the ER because it was a Sunday and he had a fever and something just wasn’t right about him.  “NO!,” she screamed from the bed.

She never wanted for her brother what she herself had endured.

The selflessness of her love astounded me in that moment of Donna’s vigil.  There she lay dying, knowing her fate, and she still had it in her to know that an ER was no place for her baby brother.  Donna loved her brother so much.

So I welcome the tears this fifth birthday of my son.  Somewhere, I know and feel, that Donna is still loving on her brother (both brothers now), and she is loving that her little brother is now older than she ever was.  Because that is just the kind of girl she was.

And as sad as I may be on any given day to no longer mother a daughter, to know that cancer took my Donna from me, today is a day I can gladly and joyfully tell cancer to take a hike because today is a good day, a joyful day, a milestone day.

Today, bastard cancer, today I became the mother of a five year old.  And there is not a damn thing cancer can do to take that from me.

Happy birthday, dear boy!  May five be your best year yet.  

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Trading the Gin Bottle for a Baby Bottle

Did you ever have one of those mothering moments where you’re stopped cold in your tracks with the realization that, “Oh my God.  I am a mother.  His mother.  Her mother.  Their mother.  WOW.  I am a MOTHER.”  I don’t have them often, as I’ve been at this parenting thing since 2005, but every once in a while, that sensation kicks in and when it does, it packs a punch.

It happened most recently for me last Saturday night.  I was at an old friend’s home unexpectedly with my two kiddos in tow. Our husbands were heading out for a Bulls’ game together and neither one of us had yet met the other’s brand spanking new baby.  We were well past due, so decided to make an early evening of it.

I call this gal my “Fancy Friend,” well, because she’s fancy.  Not uptight.  Not snooty.  Not condescending.  Fancy.  She and her family live in a massive high rise unit right on Lake Michigan and the views will just bowl you over.  I feel privileged just being in their beautiful home.  The first few times I was pretty certain I would break something and never be invited back.  Well, I did break something, of course, and I’m still allowed in, so that tells you something about my Fancy Friend.  She’s a gem.

We all visited together and traded the appropriate ooohhhsss and aaahhhhsss over our respective babies — my boy born in September and her girl born in November.

After the husbands left we settled in and fed the babies.  It was around dinner time and we decided to order in.  Exhibit A of motherhood struck me. Any delivery would have to be fast, as I wanted to get the boys to sleep by 8, and satisfy a young child and a toddler in addition to us two tired moms. Dominos FTW!

Exhibit B struck me when my Fancy Friend joked that her wine glasses were dusty from lack of use.  In my house, wine is served in juice glasses.  I justify that by claiming it’s how all wine is consumed in Italy.  But my Fancy Friend, there, she knows how to entertain proper.

I have been to some epic parties at her home.  Epic parties.  Parties so good that you talk about them years later.  Parties so good that I will remember them fondly when I’m old and in a nursing home.  Parties so good that when I post about them on the Facebook, my friends who live in the suburbs have to pick their jaws up off the floor.

Yes, they were that good.

When we needed a night out during Donna’s cancer treatment, these were the folks we went out with to forget our troubles.  When my husband turned 40 and I threw him a surprise birthday party with a Mad Men theme, these were the folks who hosted, with the husband even going so far as to don a tuxedo for full effect.  These are the folks who hire bartenders at their parties so that their guests are as comfortable as possible.

Epic parties with Fancy Friends are the best parties ever.

But here we were, and what struck me was that with two babies in our arms, two little ones roaming at our feet with toys splayed out throughout the living room, foam tape wrapped around every sharp edge as far as the eye could see, eating Dominos pizza and drinking wine out of dusty glasses, we were both happy as freaking clams.

There is nothing fancy about babies or toddlers or four year old little boys. There is definitely nothing fancy about Dominos pizza.  Motherhood sure as hell ain’t fancy.  But it is fun and fulfilling and doesn’t require you wear Spanx or high heels.

Life changes.  My life has changed and my Fancy Friend’s life has changed, too.  That’s the way this whole life thing works, when it’s working.

Image courtesy of my Fancy Friend.
Image courtesy of my Fancy Friend.

Part of these life changes means that there are fewer (like not a single one) hangovers.  That our fatigue and lack of sleep is caused by late night feedings instead of wee morning drinkings.  Motherhood is the kind of life change that makes you realize the bar in the living room is the perfect height for a second diaper changing station.

It happens.  Motherhood changes you.  There are simply fewer gin bottles and a massive number of baby bottles.  Isn’t that lovely?

Happy New Year to you.  It has and continues to be my absolute pleasure and honor to write these posts and have you read them. Thank you for that and may 2014 only bring blessings your way.

A Seat at the Bar With Studs

When you grow up in Chicago, when your people are historians and class conscious labor historians at that, well, Studs Terkel is on your radar.  And I am all the richer for it.  My writing pal Andy asked me to blog about meeting a writer that inspires at a bar.  What might that look like?  I chose Studs.  It had to be Studs.  Won’t you join us?

Tap, tap, tap.  “Mr. Terkel?”  Nothing.  Shaking shoulder gently, “MR. TERKEL, SIR?”

“Why are you calling me Sir?  Sit down already.”

The two times I met Studs Terkel were late in his life.  Both times he was wearing his signature red checked gingham shirt and a navy sport coat with gold, faintly nautical, buttons.  He is different than the Studs I imagined.  Smaller and older.  And definitely more hard of hearing.  Is that rouge on his cheeks?  He looks mischievous, curious, tired, oddly elf-like.  But then he opens his mouth.  It is Studs alright.

Studs Terkel, through the years, through the words.
Studs Terkel, through the years, through the words.

Studs Terkel was the consummate Chicagoan.  Russian Jewish, faintly like my husband’s origins.  He had the wide features of someone from Eastern Europe and the big ears I remember from my own Eastern European roots.  For about two minutes this summer Mary Tyler Dad and I seriously considered naming our baby Studs, as it met our requirements of a Chicago inspired moniker better than most of the others up for consideration.

But no.  There would be no Baby Studs in our life.  Instead, I would be satisfied with his words.  His many, many words.

A few things you need to know about Studs before you share a drink with him:

  • He was an oral historian, recording the stories of maids and presidents, newsmakers and bus drivers.  None of these stories were more important than the others.  
  • He was what I fondly refer to as a character.  I have known a few characters in my life, and I love them all.  In my book, a character is a person who is so consummately themselves, so completely who they are, that they present the same way no matter who they are with.  They will conduct themselves the same way with Snoop Dog or Charles Schulz.  There are not enough characters in this world of ours.
  • Like a good social worker, Studs Terkel intimately understood the relationship between the micro and the macro, the everyman and the dignitary, the haves and the have nots, the atheist and the true believer.  He wove this knowledge into everything he offered those who were lucky enough to partake — his books, his interviews, his radio shows.  Studs saw value everywhere in everyone.

“I’ve got to say, I am honored to sit here and drink with you.  What’ll you have?”

(This is where I get to imagine what a man like Studs Terkel might drink.)  “Well, first of all, stop with all the Sirs and being honored.  Let’s just sit and talk, okay?  I’ll have a decaf, barkeep.”  (I bet Studs in his prime was a Schlitz man.  Or, no, a Scotch drinker.)

And this is where I start to gush, clumsily trying to explain why I understand his words more than most, why I, too, get it. I puff up my lefty street cred.  How I am a social worker by trade, how my Dad used to spend Sunday afternoons driving us through both the projects and the fancy pants North Shore suburbs, wanting to teach us that we have more than some and less than some, how my sister is a labor historian and is my hero and taught me from the age of eight about things like feminism and classism, how one of my favorite life mantras is “folks is folks.”  Studs holds his hand up, the international symbol of enough, already.

I do that.  I gush sometimes when I get excited.  It’s a flaw, I know.

“Tell me something I want to hear, ” Studs said.

And then I tell him how his books have kept me company through the years, how the people he introduced me to have never left me.  When I read Race as a young adult, I better understood the deep and profound segregation in Chicago, our shared city.  When I read Working in high school I vowed to find work that was meaningful to me in my life, still without a clue what that might be.  When I read The Good War as a new social worker in a retirement community as a way to better understand the experiences of the men and women I was now working with clinically.  And how I kept reading to better understand my older clients — My American Century and Coming of Age:  The Story of Our Century by Those Who’ve Lived It.  

Again, Studs held his hand up.  “Enough about me.  I know what I’ve written.  This is not a job interview.  You,” he said, “I want to know about you.”

This flusters me.

I am lost.

So that’s what I tell him.  “I am lost,” I say.  Because it’s true.  And we talk about cancer and we talk about how I am no longer a social worker because my own sadness is too much to bear other people’s sadness in any way that would help them.  I tell him I no longer read books, that cancer took reading away from me, and that, ironically, it brought writing to me.  I told him that some days I am so lonely and some days I am so self-centered and some days, most days, I miss so much of my life before cancer.  I told him about motherhood being my anchor and my hope.

We talked a lot about hope.  And religion.  And faith.  And life.  And death.

And then he left.  And I paid for his coffee and my gin.  And on the way home, I stopped at a bookstore and bought Hope Dies Last:  Keeping the Faith in Difficult Times, because I suddenly want to read again.

Thank you, Mr. Terkel, Sir.

Studs and Chicago go hand in hand.
Studs and Chicago go hand in hand.

This is one is a series of posts about writers who inspire and sharing a drink with them.  They are catalogued here.