Author: Sheila Quirke

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The MOST: A Story of Friendship

This is a guest post by a regular reader turned friend of this blog.  It explores the bonds of women’s friendships and how they are so instrumental in mothering.  I am proud to share it with you.  

By Vicki Goedert

It started out simply uniting over pacifiers, potty training, and play groups. Our particular journey began in the late 1990s when one by one each of us seven women joined and eventually served on the board for a club that supported Moms Of Multiples (MOMs). As moms of twins you automatically feel a kindred spirit with one another and this particular group was based on commiserating and comforting each other through the early stages of raising multiples. Little did any of us know with each baby step our children took we would be the ones forging everlasting bonds.

The first baby steps turn into school pictures, little league and piano lessons and as our twins (and maybe us too) grew, the need for guidance from a large membership diminishes and the camaraderie of a few allies increases. We started our own splinter group and promptly settled on a fitting name and henceforth referred to ourselves as “The MOST” (Moms Of School-aged Twins). We continue to label our monthly GNOs (girls night out) as club “meetings” and converse of the daily grind of motherhood over dinner, wine and pedicures.

Raising Twenty-two (yes, 22) children between the seven of us has been quite an undertaking. Amazingly, as the months turn into years we are all there to cheer and comfort each other through triumphs and tragedies. Seeing one another through joyous new careers and unexpected layoffs, surprise (albeit welcomed) pregnancies and imminent passing of parents, celebrating anniversaries and “celebrating” divorces. The bonds are sealed through crooked teeth and braces, broken bones and casts, and that ever so terribly disturbing diagnosis, cancer. Our support never wavers even when sending children off to college to only have them move back home one semester later. We celebrated each new decade of our own lives with good cheer, and dreadfully had to stand by and watch as one of our own buried her child. But we gather, we unite and we support.

 Our gatherings lead to talking, crying, laughing, and even swearing (well some swear more then others) but we always unite. When we have our little “meetings” it cleanses the mind, the body and the soul! It strengthens us individually and ultimately strengthens our bond to one another. The definition of unity is the state of being combined into one, as of the parts of a whole. It has been a year since all seven of us have been in one room together so at this “meeting” we decide to take a group photo. Not just any photo but a unique one. In light of our newly gifted infinity bracelets we decide on a so-called “Wonder Twins power” pose! We grab the closest ‘twin’ kid to click the shot and place our hands together! United, we laugh and the picture is snapped in a second flat.

Photo courtesy of Vicki Goedert
Photo courtesy of Vicki Goedert

As we all admire the black and white, we are in complete awe. The seven of us are uniformly silent, a true rarity. This picture speaks volumes. It says trust to one, multiple blessing to another, friendship, a lasting bond and to all of us it says support. Small integral parts that upon being combined, become a whole, and ultimately our

Infinite Unity!

About the author:  I am a devoted wife, nurturing mother, supportive daughter, caring sister, true friend, dedicated volunteer, upcycling crafter and a proud Downers Grove resident. I am thankful every damn day for these many roles I portray but more importantly I am thankful for all the people who share their lives with me!

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Marriage Equality in Illinois and the Hate That Generates

As of yesterday, 15 states have legalized marriage equality.  15/50.  It’s not enough, but it’s something, and as with any big endeavor, any paradigm shift, these things take time.  But step by step, state by state, the tide is turning, make no mistake.  Soon enough, marriage equality will be our American reality.  And a generation from now, or two, perhaps, we will look back at these days of hand wringing and opposition and our children or grandchildren will wonder what all the fuss was about.

I for one am happy about that.

Yesterday I shared an Internet meme on my blog’s Facebook page that had been making the rounds as soon as the news hit.  It looked a little something like this:

Gay

This simple graphic, shared out of my pure joy and sense of celebration and State pride, had within hours been seen by over 280K people.  Not bad for a mom at the dining room table.  What also happened was that a whole lot of folks came out a trolling.  Yeah, turns out not all of those 280K people felt the same joy, pride, and celebration as I did.  Nope.

While I was getting my hair done, my Facebook page was going through a little tempest in a teapot.  Folks angry, many of them men who are absolutely, positively not subscribers to my Facebook page, hopped on over to spread their message of hate and prejudice, working their best to rain on our happy little pride parade.

That wasn’t gonna happen.  The movement towards marriage equality for all has too much momentum.  The tides have turned and the scales have tipped.  I think that’s why the anger against it is so intense.

Not being gay myself, I don’t know what it feels like to have strangers oppose you for whom you love.  I don’t know what it feels like to be in a committed relationship and not be able to stand in front of all you know and have that love and commitment legally recognized.  I am grateful that my gay friends in Illinois can now enjoy the same rights and privileges that I do.  I am hopeful that my gay friends in other states will one day soon be able to enjoy that, too.

So back to the hair dressers.  As I was waiting for my color to set, I popped open my Facebook account and saw that things on my page had taken a turn.  I’ll be honest, I didn’t get too upset about it.  There wasn’t much I could do from my phone in a salon.  I read and winced a time or two.

More than anything, I just feel badly for folks who live their lives in such fear and deep distrust of people who are different than themselves that they feel justified and energized leaving nasty Facebook messages on a page they’ve never visited before.  Don’t they have kids to hug or lunches to make or books to read or a Tivo to catch up with?  There are so many more worthwhile things to do with your time than leave hate filled messages to strangers on a Facebook page that clearly is an inclusive type of place.

After I got home and finally ate some dinner at 9:30, I did get around to checking out the page on a proper computer.  It was late and I was tired.  With a newborn, 9:30 p.m. is LATE.  I had every intention of cleaning up the page and deleting the nasty messages.  Then I read them and thought it was important to leave them up.

Sometimes we need to see the hate that exists around us.  The gay community lives with it every day.  As someone who is supportive of marriage equality, I felt it important to leave the comments as a testament to how deeply ingrained some people’s fears and hate can be.

Here is a sampling:

  • Curt Peterson:  Got. Adds yet (translation:  Got AIDS yet?)
  • Robert Cornwell:  Happier than sissies with bags full of dicks! Next, let’s marry our children, hooray!
  • Tony Lucy:  One day, I hope to legally be able to marry my cat.
  • Raymond L. Bakke:  Next you can marry your dog
  • Tony Boots Shroyer:  Chiraq (translation:  Chicago, but only for ignorant people who like to make light of gang violence and mideast turmoil in one fell swoop) … It’s a shit hole
  • James Bowen:  Think the country’s hurting now I can’t imagine when I’m dead and gone how sissified this country’s gonna be, I’m not sayin all gays aren’t tough but the majority are sissies what’s gonna happen when our military is full of cupcakes, this country will be overtaken by a stronger force this whole country is gonna be nothin but fruits, smh damn shame boy how times changed…and the ones that say it’s not a choice!? Well that’s bullshit, it’s a choice where I wanna stick my thing and who I wanna love, so glad I was raised right!  (Wow, just wow.)
  • Ted Roberts, Jr.:  Bullshit!!
  • Vanessa Gore:  Im so sorry to here that the foundations of marriage and family there has been so shaken… once the evil is in place it can never be taken away again… I weep for the children exposed to such corruption  (I weep for children who die of cancer.  I weep for children who are abused and neglected.  I weep for children who are hungry, but that’s just me.)
  • Jeff Burns:  Whatever just cut this country into little pieces and burn it (Fatalistic much?)
  • Ciera Desiree:  Ew
  • Tim Hungling:  Yeah right, if you say so…puke…..ect.
  • Monty Senior:  Your all nut bags! Do the geometry !! This country is going straight to hell!!!  (Hmmm . . . wonder what geometry has to do with it.)
  • Jason Haenel:  Who cares Illinois sucks.
  • Susana Rodriguez:  How do people figure that they can compare being gay with being black?? Smh
  • Phil Kirschbaum:  Hey….don’t u find it amazing that every TV show now has a gay character. Gays make up less than 2% of the population but yet with all this exposure you would think the majority of people r gay.
  • Phil Kirschbaum:  I am not Christian. Christ was just some Jew who was killled by Romans. (Nice one, Phil.)
  • Phil Kirschbaum:  Maybe Jesus was gay. Lol
  • Phil Kirschbaum:  U guys crack me up. I bet u r all liberals who voted for Obama simply because he was black.
  • Ianza Justin Torres:  We are failing these people by coddling them. Only Jesus can heal the hurts and traumas that bring people to make these decisions. May true love abound in their hearts. Amen. J  (Yes, America’s problem is that we “coddle” gays.)
  • David Brinkley:  Fags
  • Barbara Corcoran:  Gross
  • Rick Carlson:  Really the problems this state has and your proud of this , brainless morons ! You don’t even know what the numbers are of gay and lesbians are in this country , there are more horders than gay and lesbian in thin country combined ! That’s .001% of population , real victory !  (For the record, I believe in marriage equality for horders, too.  Oh, did he mean “hoarders?”  In that case, no way!  Two hoarders should NEVER marry one another — can you just imagine the mess that would make?)
  • Barbara Corcoran:  Never in the history of the human race has gay relationships been considered normal so dont try to tell me that now it is.whats the next normal boy man love?marrying your dog?If the thought is you cant help who you love,where is this going next?
  • Marshall Ayres:  No arguing with sheeple. Even though spreading diseases around and what not is not enough. Just imagine the majority of mankind were all fucking each other in the asses, what do think would happen to the human race? Our population would dwindle and down to nothing but sick pple who can’t seem to understand the process of extinction.

This is a little slice of America in 2013, folks.  Sad, but true.

I am grateful that the love far outweighs the hate on my page, and I believe, in America itself.  If you, too, support marriage equality and human rights, you should say so.  I got a lot of praise last night and this morning for being brave and supporting marriage equality.  Believe me when I say that sharing an Internet meme is not brave.  Choosing love over hate is not brave.  Supporting my gay friends is not brave, it’s simply the right thing to do.

Hey!  If you don’t mind a mom blogger with an opinion, I’m your gal. You should subscribe.  Here’s how:

Type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

And if you want more information about the passage of marriage equality laws in your state, check this out.

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The Second Kind of Help

This blog post is part of a ChicagoNow network wide “blogapalooza” wherin any ChicagoNow blogger writes about the same topic provided by our community managers.  Only catch is that we don’t get the topic until 9 p.m. and have to publish by 10 p.m.  It is ON, baby.  Today’s topic:

Write about a time you helped someone, or a time that you received help.  

“The second kind of help,” is a phrase my husband taught me about.  The origin actually comes from a Shel Silverstein poem called, aptly enough, “Helping.”   That bald headed freak Silverstein was a genius, save for his completely awful and misogynistic, The Giving Tree (but that right there is a whole other blog post).  Here it is:

Agatha Fry, she made a pie
And Christopher John helped bake it
Christopher John, he mowed the lawn
And Agatha Fry helped rake it

Now, Zachary Zugg took out the rug
And Jennifer Joy helped shake it
Then Jennifer Joy, she made a toy
And Zachary Zugg helped break it

And some kind of help is the kind of help
That helping’s all about
And some kind of help is the kind of help
We all can do without

Helping, Shel Silverstein

The point of this post is that we all know some of those Zachary Zugg characters.  You know the type.  They mean to help, are always ready, willing, and able to help, but somehow, their help is not so helpful.  It’s the second kind of help they provide.

Some of those Zachary Zuggs might even be wee little ones that we are charged to raise and parent for life.  One of our jobs as parents is to turn our little Zachary Zuggs into Jennifer Joys and Agatha Frys.  And while that sounds like I am pushing a transgender agenda, I’m not — not that there’s anything wrong with that — LGBT FTW!

Okay, so the second kind of help with the wee little ones.  A perfect example is kids in the kitchen.  I know that better moms than me have an amazing capacity to have their little ones help with dinner or baking projects.  Ugh.  I suck at that.  I really do.  I try, but rarely succeed.

Mary Tyler Son gets his little apron on and we sidle up the Learning Tower to the kitchen counter.  I have already laid out all necessary ingredients like flour, sugar, butter, and eggs.  There is nothing that could go wrong with a two, three, or four year old and open containers of flour, sugar, butter, and eggs, right?  Right.  It never fails that the moment, the second, the instant I turn my back to rinse a bowl or grab a paper towel, BAM!  POW!  KABLAMMO! All hell breaks loose under the guise of wee little Mary Tyler Son “helping” by pouring flour, sugar, butter, and eggs all over the damn place.

The Learning Tower, or as I call it, "The Throw All Your Junk When You Walk In the Door Tower"
The Learning Tower, or as I call it, “The Throw All Your Junk When You Walk In the Door Tower”

See?  The second kind of help.

As a parent, part of the gig is to harness the child’s wish to help, that real honest and goodness need to help, into actual help.  It takes time and patience.  And more than a few broken eggs all over the kitchen counter.  And so, our Learning Tower gets cleared of coats and purses and diaper bags, and Mary Tyler Son gets to help.  Or, you know, “help.”

Being a parent is a tough gig.  There is much to master and the stakes are high.  Like, really high.  Like, you want to produce happy, healthy, contributing members of society high.  That’s pretty high.  And part of that means learning how to tolerate the second kind of help without a scowl or a sigh or an eye roll.

Like I said, this parenting is a tough gig.  Just remember, though, that it’s our little Zachary Zuggs and Jennifer Joys and Agatha Frys that will be helping us someday.  And we definitely don’t want the second kind of help then. Best put the time in now and teach our kids how to provide the first kind of help.  The good kind.

I’m gonna go clear the junk off our Learning Tower right now.