Category: Humor

I know this topic has been covered by every parenting blogger under the sun, no doubt, but I always love to add my two cents.  I’ve been thinking a lot about this since the babies in fine dining establishments fiasco has been all over social media this week.

If you need a clue, the owner/chef of Chicago’s very own Alinea, Grant Achatz, tweeted his conundrum when two dinner guests brought along their eight month old baby and caused a stir with the things that eight month old babies are wont to do — cry and carry on.  Except Alinea is not your average restaurant.  It’s upscale even compared to upscale restaurants.  You need a ticket rather than a reservation.  Most critics compare it to culinary theater. Not my cup of tea, but whatever floats your gustatory boat, right?

Anyway.  So then I started thinking about other things that are harder with kids, worse with kids, more complicated with kids.  You get my point. Without further ado . . .

Ten Things That Are Worse with Children

10.  Grocery Shopping.  Can I get a witness?  What should take 20-30 minutes often ends up taking an hour or more.  Kids love to request things they know they’re never gonna get, but if there is just a sliver of a chance Mom or Dad will say yes, well then, yep, it’s worth asking for the umpteenth time.  And do not even get me started on the car shopping carts or the toddler sized carts at Trader Joes.  NO.

9.  Airplanes.  This one tends to make the news cycles, too, every few months.  Yes, children on planes can be a handful.  I remember so well the first time I traveled with a child.  My oldest was just six weeks old and her aunt was getting married.  Nothing to do but pop on a plane, so we did.  You could just see the dread as I carried my bundle of joy down the crowded aisle, the palpable relief as I passed row after row of passengers.  Those folks got a reprieve.  Gratefully, we’ve never had an episode with a meltdown, but, to our credit, we take precautions.  Lots of books, toys, distractions, juice, nibbles, etc.  It’s all in the planning, yo.

8.  Post Offices.  There are few errands I hate more than the post office.  I think it’s just dumb luck, but my neighborhood is saddled with some of the most sour postal workers out there.  And slow as molasses.  But add babies, toddlers, or young kids to that mix, UGH.  They make an un-fun task downright cruel.  And whereas most folks not in an airplane tend to at least smile at a baby, we had a postal worker last fall who lectured me because someone had sent a gift and addressed it to the baby in my arms.  Um, how exactly do I tell someone who is surprising me with a gift for a newborn not to address it to that newborn?  Guess I should have put it in the baby announcements (which I have yet to mail, BTW).

7.  Road Trips.  Families on road trips are comedy gold.  National Lampoon’s Vacation.  Little Miss Sunshine.  We’re the Millers.  But long road trips with actual families, you know with kids and all, are sometimes a lot less fun.  Or funny.  They’re an endurance event, a familial marathon, the great litmus test of what will go first — your patience or your electronic’s battery power.  Add to that a family that has opted out of electronics as road trip pacifier, like ours, well, you’re looking at some serious, hard core entertainment you best be providing to keep the little ones happy and content.  And the food?  Ugh.  When Cracker Barrel starts looking good, you know it’s time to get home.

6.  Dinner Time.  I don’t know about your kiddos, but mine tend to eat a full breakfast and lunch, and a small dinner.  Sort of just the opposite of Mom and Dad.  And he is physically incapable of sitting through a meal.  It’s like watching a yo-yo that keeps getting unspooled.  And there is the ever present question, often at the top of the meal, “How many bites?”  Ugh.  Word to the wise, I serve what I serve.  If the younger set doesn’t eat it, it’s PB&J, end of story.

5.  The Flu.  It’s horrible to be sick.  It’s horrible to see your kids sick.  It’s worse to be sick and still have to care for the little ones, but most of the time, there is no second string, no back-up plan.  When I’m sick and the husband’s not around, well, buck up, little beaver, it’s showtime!  Pop that Tylenol, sip that juice, and keep that remote close to hand.  We’re gonna get through this with a little help from Uncle Walt and his pals at Disney Jr.

4.  Restaurants.  Fancy restaurants aside, even standard no-frills establishments can be a drag with kids.  Eating out is supposed to be a break for the cook in the family, but with kids, not so much.  By the time you pack everything you need to keep everyone happy, it seems just as simple to stay at home and call up Dominos.  It’s interesting.  We’ve got one child, at five, who can pretty much be amused with what we find on the table — sugar packets, creamers, etc.  Our youngest is just four months old, so that’s easy, too.  But coming down the pike I can see that time when it will get hard again.  When you have to pack an arsenal of amusements to get through a meal at Panera.  Crayons, paper, cars, crackers, water bottles, etc.  Yeah, eating out with the little ones is not so much fun.

3.  Hangovers.  Now don’t get all Judgey McJudgerson here.  I can count on two or three fingers the number of hangovers I’ve had since my kids have been around.  Not bad for over eight years of the occasional night out.  But damn, those two or three hangovers have absolutely, positively been complicated with little ones around.  The truth is, alcohol over indulgence and children just don’t mix.  There is no sweet relief of sleeping in the next day or a leisurely meal of grease to help pull you through.  Nope.  You’ve just got to down an aspirin, swig some water, and get on with your day.  And pray the kids don’t make too much noise.

2.  ED Commercials.  Erectile dysfunction, yo.  There’s nothing quite like sitting down to some Sunday afternoon game with the kiddo when a commercial for Cialis comes on.  “What’s ED, Mom?”  “Why are those people taking a bath outside in the forest?”  I dread those commercials like the plague.  I mean, how do you answer that question?!  “Well, son, there might come a time in your future where your penis just isn’t functioning like it used to . . .”  NO!

1.  Public Bathrooms.  Hands down, there is no place more difficult with children than navigating public restrooms.  Or should I say “hands up,” like way, way up, like “Put your hands up and don’t you dare touch a thing, Billy!” But for the little ones, wow, there are levers and buttons and garbage cans and odd shaped toilet seats and just so much to do and see.  Grimace.  And then washing hands afterwards, hoisting 50 pounds of child up to the sink and there being no working soap or towels.  Ugh.  You just shake your head and do the best you can.

But that’s parenting, right?  Doing the best you can.  And lest this list got you down, tune in tomorrow when I will do a companion post about ten things that are better with children.  Yes, it’s true.  The wee set make so many things in life better.

Here within the Mary Tyler Family we place a lot of importance on knowing and understanding our feelings.  I attribute it to my training and experience as a clinical social worker.  It’s so important in today’s busy and modern families, amirite? But knowing your feelings can be a challenge these days, what with small children running around our ankles all the time.

That’s why I’ve devised a new system for helping the whole lot of us get better at knowing and understanding our feelings, all the feelings.  I call it the WTF System — What’s The Feeling?  It’s so easy, you and your family can do it, too!

Here’s how it works . . .

Let’s say you come home from a busy weekend day of holiday shopping only to find your kids still in their pajamas, leftover food and dishes all over the coffee table, and your husband in his boxers watching the football game with a beer in his hand.  What might be running through your mind in that moment?

This is the time to say, WTF?  What’s The Feeling?  See how that works? Are you mad?  Aggravated?  Frustrated?  Angry?  Well then, saying to yourself WTF will help you identify those troubling feelings.  Saying it out loud will only add to the experience.

Here’s another example.  You’ve just spent a busy day with your extended family.  You’re tired and ready to head back home.  As you’re gathering up your kids and things, the munchkins decide it’s time for a meltdown.  Your older maiden aunt says out loud to no one in particular, “Sheesh!  In my day, we were able to control our children!”  You know what’s coming — WTF?  What’s The Feeling?!  While you might be railing inside your head — What in the Sam Hilll does that old bat know about raising kids?, it’s really important to identify the feeling. Instead, just say to yourself, WTF?!  You can even say it out loud!  Here, let’s do it together — W T F?

See how well that works?

In employing my WTF System, I learned that a frequent mommy feeling I was having was guilt.  You know what I mean, moms, don’t you?  I’ve got an acronym for guilt, too.  I call it OMFG — Oh, Mom’s Feeling Guilty!  This happened just yesterday to me. I was wanting to give my older son a special treat after a long day at school.  Ususally, chocolate is reserved for dessert after dinner, and just a bite, but he had had a rough day on the playground, so I says to myself, “Go ahead, mama, give the boy a thrill and offer some chocolate before dinner.”

So I did.  And then he proceeded to bounce off the walls with a sugar high. Screaming and hooting and hollering, waking up the baby from his nap!  This is when I screamed out loud, OMFG!  Oh, Mom’s Feeling Guilty!  See? If I hadn’t changed the rules and offered the boy chocolate, he would probably just be sitting quietly enjoying a book.  But no, I had to offer the kid some contraband chocolate, probably, unconsciously, in an attempt to curry his favor.  GUILT!  OMFG!

And when that guilt hits, I know it’s time to take stock of my parenting and let my feelings all out, or what I like to call LMFAO — Let My Feelings All Out. It’s just astounding what a good LMFAO session will do for your soul!

Another positive feeling method I use comes in really handy when house guests are visiting.  You know what they say about fish and house guests — three days is what all are capable of before going rotten.  For instructive purposes, I will share a personal story with you.  The in-laws were in town, and well, let’s just say we were on day seven — well past our collective expiration.  We all got into it over the pot roast, and I knew it was the things unsaid that was causing the bickering — those dreaded feelings.  Well, I popped right up and gave an inspirational GTFO (Get Those Feelings Out)!

I think it worked, cause the next morning, they couldn’t leave quickly enough. I am sure they just wanted to get home and talk about their feelings!  Mission accomplished.

One last tip works really well in large settings.  This past weekend I took my first trip to a Chuck E. Cheese establishment. Oh my.  Well, there sure were a lot of folks there, and where there are a lot of folks, there are certain to be a lot of feelings. Too much stimulation can cause lots of confusing feelings, too.  Why just in a brief snippet of that visit I witnessed about seven melt downs, foot stomping, bells ringing, and crying galore.

I stood up on a table and screamed STFU.  That is a great method in a crowd to alert the folks you’re with to Start Those Feelings Up!  There’s nothing better for creating calm out of chaos than to stand on a chair and shout STFU to all within hearing distance.  Before you know it, dozens of blank and quiet faces will be staring up at you, grateful for your intervention and the opportunity you gave them to look at their feelings.

I hope all you gals learn from my hard earned mothering experience.  Some days, us moms just gots to say WTF?  If we don’t, well then, OMFG, the guilt will consume us.  If we could all just learn to LMFAO, our whole lives would be so much easier.

I hope you, too, learn to use my handy dandy system for feeling all the feelings and when you do, say, “Thanks, MTM! Because of you I can say WTF to my husband, OMFG to my kids and LMFAO in a healthy and productive manner!”  And whatever you do, don’t forget to GTFO sometimes.  If you don’t, someone will be reminding you to STFU.

And, just because I like to be helpful, I made you a cheat sheet so you can practice feeling all the feelings at home!  Happy feeling!

Note:  Grateful thanks to my husband for both helping with and inspiring this post.  Whenever I’m feeling down, I ask myself, “WWJD?,”  cause I know my Jeremy has all the answers.

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