These Toddler Ten Commandments were handed down generations ago, written, scribbled actually, on the underside of cereal boxes with crayons. Anthropologists recently unearthed, from landfills miles deep in petroleum fortified disposable diapers, these Toddler Commandments and are currently verifying their providence. True story.
1. Thou shalt not do anything asked of you only once. Repeating things is good for our parents as it will prepare them for a lifetime of needing to do this with us.
2. Thou shalt prefer sugar, in any form, above all other flavors.
3. Thou shalt approach grandparents or other such malleable adults who appear especially impressed with our cuteness for those big ticket items our parents deny us.
4. Thou shalt never go to the bathroom on demand without first exercising the power of, “NO!”
5. Thou shalt covet our neighbors’ toys, proving the theory that OKT (“other kids’ toys”) are invariably better than our own.
6. Thou shalt request macaroni-and-cheese at every single meal.
7. Thou shalt not submit easily at the end of the day. “Do not go gently into the night,” is not a metaphor about death, people, it is the banner call of toddlers everywhere.
8. Thou shalt lose crucial single pieces of puzzles, toys, and Legos, making the toy’s proper usage impossible, though still within the possibility of findability, making disposal prohibited.
9. Thou shalt sense when our parents are coming to the end of their proverbial ropes, in danger of denying us necessary privileges, and smile and look all innocent adorableness until the threat of denial has passed.
10. Thou shalt incite the fear of adults in airplanes by our mere presence. If we meltdown, we are only living up to our reputation. If we do not meltdown, we are impressing those around us, thereby increasing our access to sugar, macaroni-and-cheese, and toys.