October 2013 – Page 3 – Mary Tyler Mom

October 11, 2013

Breast Cancer Awareness: Why I Will Be Wearing a Bra on October 13

There is a meme floating about the Internet these days suggesting a great way to honor women with breast cancer is to opt out of wearing a bra on Sunday, October 13. Just let it all hang out and have fun with it! seems to be the message. Yada, yada, yada. Yeah, no thank you. Call me a stick in the mud, call me a prude, call me cranky, hell, call me a pink party pooper, but I don’t think a great way to support our sisters (and mothers and aunts and daughters and friends and neighbors) with breast cancer is to let our girls go flapping in the breeze. This blogger, a woman coping with breast cancer herself, says it much better than I do.

This is not the bra I will be wearing, but you get the idea.

What is the point of an exercise like this, exactly? To me, it sounds a whole lot like “cancer cute.” Cancer is a lot of things — profound, life changing, brutal, wrenching, exhausting, terrifying. Cancer is not cute. Cell mutation is hella serious. Chemo? Not cute. Radiation is a bitch. And surgery is way too invasive to be cute.

But who am I to talk about breast cancer? I am known as a pediatric cancer advocate and typically stay mum in October. No doubt, some of the month is spent recovering from the fatigue of making folks aware that September gold is the color of childhood cancer, much like pink is the color of breast cancer. Some of the silence can be attributed to my daughter’s death anniversary falling in the same month. And if I am really honest, it’s that breast cancer has simply not impacted my day-to-day the way childhood cancer has.

That feels different now.

The older I get and the broader my circles become through this here Internet, I now know people whose day-to-days have been drastically impacted by breast cancer. And their experiences have nothing to do with pink or touting tatas or cancer cute. It is hard to be light and cute when the reality of words like widower and relapse are your day-to-day.

Truth is, I have the utmost respect for people who have spent time in Cancerville. There is a shorthand, a knowingness, that comes with the territory. If that knowledge originated in your child or your brain or your breasts or your colon, well, the common denominator of cancer seems to be enough of a bond.

And, as a nod to that bond, and a show of love, admiration, and support, I wanted to introduce you to three folks in my life whose knowledge of and relationship with breast cancer runs a hell of a lot deeper than wearing a bra on October 13 will or will not impact. Their efforts on behalf of breast cancer have nothing to do with trivializing it or being “cancer cute.” They have all used their own experiences to reach out to others to educate and inform and empathize. I am so proud of them.

Colleen. The first person I want to introduce you to is my cousin Colleen. Just three months ago, Colleen was diagnosed with breast cancer. She wrote about it recently through a Facebook status update in an attempt to make other women in her circle aware of the importance of early diagnosis, self-examination, and self-care. Here are her words:

I am a 44 year old woman. I found a small hard lump in my left breast. I knew that it wasn’t there the month before, because I did monthly breast exams. As I gathered my composure, I thought about the conversation my Mom and I had before she died 11 years ago. “Col, ANYTIME you notice something different about your body, it is GOD’s way of saying that something is wrong! Don’t ignore it!!!!” So, I took immediate action. I called and made an appointment with my gynecologist. She set me up for a mammogram and I had an appointment within days.

I told my family that I was diagnosed with early stage one breast cancer and I had found the lump through a self -breast examination. It was invasive ductal carcinoma and ductal carcinoma in situ of the left breast.

I go for yearly mammograms and within six months it was brewing in me and I didn’t know it? Within a month a lump appeared? My doctor told me that I was very lucky that I found that lump. She said that within that short amount of time it was already invasive and would have spread to the lymph nodes if it wasn’t for that self-breast exam. I am cancer free. Not many women are lucky enough to say that they had cancer for a MONTH!

I am not out of the woods completely. I still need 6 weeks of radiation five times a week, and may need chemo, but I no longer have cancer. If you remember reading this, and God forbid you find a lump, take immediate action. My heart breaks for all those brave women who are still fighting breast cancer. I am one of the lucky ones. – Colleen

Teppi. Being part of a blogging network has exposed me to so many interesting and diverse people I never would have met otherwise. One of those folks I have been lucky to meet is fellow ChicagoNow blogger, Teppi. We got closer after I wrote Donna’s Cancer Story and Teppi shared her own experience as a breast cancer survivor. I felt her empathy because of our proximity in Cancerville. We both spoke the same language.

Teppi, after ten years being cancer free, was recently diagnosed with a relapse of her breast cancer. She is currently undergoing treatment. After her relapse, Teppi learned that she was positive for the BRCA1 gene mutation, which happens to be the exact same gene mutation that prompted Angelina Jolie to have the double mastectomy surgery she wrote about in a New York Times op ed piece that was met with both support and concern.

As the mother of two beautiful (like total knock out beautiful) daughters in their 20s, Teppi has become a strong voice on behalf of testing for the BRCA gene mutation. She understands that just as she carries the gene, so may her daughters. Using her blog as a platform this month, Teppi has been sharing a series of guest posts each week day in October. It is an extraordinary way of learning more about this tool and how women are integrating the information (knowledge = power) into their choices. You can read the entire series here.

Other women should never have to go through what I have – there needs to be a raising of awareness about the BRCA gene and hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. This knowledge can help save lives. Sharing these women’s stories can do just that. – Teppi

Angelo. I was introduced to Angelo’s work, a photo documentary of his wife Jennifer’s treatment for breast cancer called The Battle We Didn’t Choose, on the Facebook wall of a friend about two years ago. I was immediately taken with not only the quality of Angelo’s art, but its beauty and intensity as well. He does with photos what I try to do with words. Our missions are similar, but the visual impact of seeing Jen captured in all phases of her treatment is powerful and immediate and magnetic.

Jen died in December 2011. Angelo is now a young widower. Such a hard word. He, like Jen, is magnetic. His work is purposeful and important and has helped people impacted by breast cancer across the globe feel seen and understood and less alone. After Jen’s death, Angelo has worked tirelessly to tell the story of her cancer through gallery showings, magazine articles, news interviews, and an active Facebook community known as, My Wife’s Fight With Breast Cancer.

Last month, Angelo had a dream realized with the digital publishing of his book The Battle We Didn’t Choose: My Wife’s Fight with Breast Cancer. It can be purchased through the Apple iTunes store or directly through Angelo’s website in a PDF format. 50% of all profits generated by the book will be donated to The Love You Share, Angelo’s non-profit that works to provide financial assistance for cancer patients. It is a moving and very human tribute to love and marriage and life and bonds that transcend.

So there it is. I will wear my bra on Sunday in honor of Colleen and Teppi and Jen and Angelo and all of you who live a life impacted by breast cancer. I don’t think what you experience is lightened in the least by gimmicks or ploys or pretty pink yogurt lids or electric mixers that corporate America profits from. Cancer is some serious shit. It deserves our respect because of the total command it is capable of in the lives it touches. And I promise that the bra I wear won’t be pink.

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October 8, 2013

The Greatest Pumpkin: Honor Donna and Have Fun at the Highwood Pumpkin Festival

Four years ago we were losing our oldest child, our beautiful Donna. She was in the last weeks of her life which would end on October 19, 2009, after a nine day vigil. The number four keeps smashing at me. Donna was four years and three months when she died, which means soon, very soon, she will be gone longer than she was with us.

Damn, that hurts.

Because Donna’s life ended in October, pumpkins abounded. They were everywhere and still call her to mind. Mid-way through the vigil, some dear, dear people took it upon themselves to create their own vigil right outside our front door. A symphony of jack-o-lanterns that were magically lit each night by a rotating crew of well wishers. Pumpkins. They were beautiful and gave us tremendous comfort — such a beautiful, beautiful tribute to our Donna and her wonder, her joy, her spirit.

Donna never saw those pumpkins, but we did. Four years later, those pumpkins, and all pumpkins, are entwined with those last weeks of our girl’s life. That great orange globe, so present this time of year, is another symbol of our girl, and most especially, the time of year that we said our last goodbyes to her, assuring her that we would meet her there, wherever “there” might be.

Last year, right around this time, I got an interesting email from an organizer of the Great Highwood Pumpkin Festival. She had come to know Donna through my writing and storytelling and wanted to somehow integrate Donna into next year’s festivities — now this year’s festivities — as some sort of charitable tie in. Was I interested? Could I help?

Hell yes.

And after a couple of introductions, Donna became the bridge between the The Great Highwood Pumpkin Festival and one of our favorite charities, St. Baldrick’s, the number one private funder of research for pediatric cancer. I think this is pretty damn cool and I hope you do, too.

So this year we will be honoring our girl at a couple of events at The Great Highwood Pumpkin Festival and would L.O.V.E. for you to join us. Here is the 411 on this super fun, family friendly, best pumpkin festival ever.

St. Baldrick’s Pumpkin Shave, Saturday, October 19, 3 p.m. – 6 p.m. One of my favorite questions since starting fundraising with St. Baldrick’s is, “Do you have a head?” We all do, right? Why not shave yours with all the proceeds going to much needed research for pediatric cancer? Or, you know, volunteer your husband’s head like I do. Or simply volunteer at the event itself. The link will get you to where you need to go to do any or all of the above. My family will be there and I will say a few words of gratitude to all those gathered. This is a special day for us, as it is the fourth anniversary of Donna’s death. Helping to raise dollars for other children with cancer seems like the most fitting thing we could do to honor our girl.
Great Highwood Pumpkin Fest’s 5K Run, Walk and Kids’ Dash , Sunday, October 20, 8:30 a.m. – 10 a.m. Each year at the Pumpkin Fest a different charity is selected to donate proceeds from this much anticipated 5K. With Donna as inspiration, this year’s selected charity is St. Baldrick’s. I love this for many reasons. Donna, in the annual Run for Gus we participate in each summer, loved the idea of “running.” While Donna’s cancer prevented her from being able to run fast, she loved the idea of running and racing in general. With this very family friendly event, you can start your day with a group warm-up, the kid’s dash, and then slide into that 5K through this scenic North Shore location. Click on the link above for all the details, or register directly here, but you have to do so by October 17 if you want to do it online. Oh, yeah, and no race for me this year. A newborn is a great excuse, right?

So there it is. If someone had told me four years ago, just at the onset of sitting Donna’s vigil, that I would be spending her death anniversary four years later making a public appearance at a pumpkin festival, well hell, I don’t think I could have seen or imagined it. But, as I am fond of saying, this is how I parent Donna now, by spreading the lessons her life taught me and raising much needed research dollars for pediatric cancer. I chose hope in 2009 and I choose hope in 2013. Donna taught me that. And all monies raised for St. Baldrick’s during the event will be credited to the Donna’s Good Things campaign, which has raised over $180K to conquer kids cancer since March 2012. Now that is cool.

Think about joining in the fun at the Highwood Pumpkin Festival, October 17th – 20th. The Great Pumpkin that Linus sought for years can be found there — it is the heart and spark of an entire community coming together, surrounded by pumpkins, raising money for children fighting cancer.

Thank you, Donna.

October 2, 2013

Mom Powers Activate!

A few days ago, sweet and sleepy, Mary Tyler Son asked what my favorite “mom power” was. He is four, and like many four year old boys, thinks about super heroes and super powers. A lot.

He discovered super heroes last fall when he started pre-school. At first, I found the new obsession annoying and lacking originality. His previous obsession was Greek mythology and he could recite the twelve labors of Hercules stone cold. Have you ever seen a three year old recite the twelve labors of Hercules to a dumbstruck sales clerk at Barnes & Noble? No? I have, and it was magnificent.

But, yeah, mom powers. I asked the boy what he meant, as I really wasn’t certain I understood his question. He said, “You know, like when you read to me before bedtime. Mom powers.” Duh.

I haven’t felt so powerful in a long, long time. Mom powers suddenly transformed into MOM POWERS! I have MOM POWERS!, yo. How cool is that?

I asked what some other mom powers were and Mary Tyler Son was happy to inform:

Protecting him from all things scary – I loved this one, despite knowing that moms can’t protect their little ones from all things scary, take, for instance, cancer, but still, if your child thinks you can, that is some pretty heady stuff.
Sauteing apples in butter and cinnamon – this one seems kind of lame unless you’ve eaten my sauteed apples in butter and cinnamon, and if you’ve had them over one of my pork chops, well then, BAM! You get it.
Keeping him supplied with his favorite underpants, clean and folded – Mary Tyler Son has a few favorites. Said super heroes as described above. Animals are another. He is always really happy with me when he opens his drawer and no matter what skivvies he feels like wearing, there they are, clean and folded, waiting to cover his wee little privates.
Giving him loving – In our home, when Mary Tyler Son says he needs some loving, what he means is that he is feeling tender or wounded or beat up in some way that makes him sad. What helps is for him to crawl up into my lap in the blue rocking chair in his bedroom and just hold him tight and stroke his hair. It’s like magic and cures whatever ails him at the moment.
Going on adventures – I have often said that I am a better mom outside of our home. There are no distractions. So we get out a lot when we’re together. Museums, nature centers, play dates with friends in the suburbs who have “parks” in their back yard. We love our adventures together. And let’s be honest, four is still pretty easy to impress. Yesterday our adventure involved an unexpected ice cream cone with sprinkles on a warm afternoon after school. Simple pleasures.

Trust me when I say that I never really aspired to be a mom. Didn’t feel a maternal bone in my body until my mid-thirties. Who knew, you know? I certainly didn’t. I spend my days picking up after my boys, thinking about what to cook for dinner, wishing I could get more sleep at night. I am a mom. A MOM, DAMMIT!

That is some powerful voodoo.

And as another super hero taught us, with great power comes great responsibility. What better or more apt description of motherhood is there? And I must be doing something right if my boy equates me with power. Damn straight, kiddo. I am powerful. And grateful for every minute of it. Thanks for the reminder. Sometimes we moms need that.

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