Author: Sheila Quirke

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Turning Bystanders Into Upstanders: We Have Higher Expectations for School Children Than Our Senators

by*stand*er – a person present at an event or incident, but does not take part; onlooker, spectator, witness

up*stand*er – an individual who sees wrong and acts; a person who takes a stand against an act of injustice or intolerance

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On Thursday, President Trump hosted a lunch with ten U.S. Senators, four Democrats and six Republicans, for the purpose of building bipartisan support for his SCOTUS nominee, Neil Gorsuch.  Seems fairly innocuous, even hopeful, right?  Reporters were allowed to cover the beginning of the event, making for a positive photo op.  Look!  Blue and Red can sit down together!  Progress!

Nope.

Reports are surfacing that right after the departure of the press, Trump turned to the Democrats in the room and said to them (“mocked” and “taunted” is how it has been characterized), “Pocahontas is now the face of your party,” referring to their fellow senator from Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren.

Trump has a history of using ‘Pocahontas’ as a pejorative term in referring to Senator Warren, after she identified herself as having Native American heritage.  It is considered by most to be an ethnic slur and Trump has been roundly criticized for using it on the campaign trail last year.

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But this is not a post about Donald Trump, a man I personally believe exhibits many of the accepted signs of being a bully.  Most experts agree those traits include (sourced here):

  • Impulsiveness
  • Anger management problems
  • Tries to control other people, rather than inspiring others to follow
  • Easily frustrated and annoyed
  • Lacks empathy, isn’t sympathetic to anyone’s needs or desires but their own
  • Blames a victim for his own behavior by saying things like, “If that geek didn’t look so stupid, I wouldn’t have to hit him.”
  • Difficulty following rules and little respect for authority
  • View violence in a positive way, such as a form of entertainment or a good way to get needs met

There is a growing awareness in America of the detrimental nature of bullying and how it negatively impacts our children. Much research has been done, many dollars have been spent in order to better understand how to curb bullying in our school environments. A growing number of schools in the U.S. have enacted a zero tolerance policy for bullying behavior.  Along with increased awareness of the act of bullying has been an increased understanding of how the community can help contain and directly confront the actions of bullies.

Teaching children to be “upstanders” rather than “bystanders” is one of those methods getting a lot of traction and is endorsed by bullying experts.  In simple terms, the idea is to teach those who witness the bullying behavior to challenge it.  That can be accomplished by either confronting the bully in the moment, or standing up to call out the bullying behavior and label it for what it is. Research demonstrates that when one witness to the bullying, a bystander, challenges it, others are more likely to follow.  The bystander, in doing so, has now become an upstander.

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You can read and watch more about being an upstander here or here.

And this is where I struggle.  Schools across America are investing time and money — both scant resources in education these days, which gives an indication of how much these lessons are valued and needed, in helping school children gain the necessary tools to combat bullying behavior themselves.  There are increasing expectations and motivations encouraging children to stand up to bullies, call them out, shut them down.  And the efforts seem to be working.

Cut to Thursday’s meeting at the White House where our Bully in Chief, President Trump, speaking to an audience of ten U.S. Senators, calls one of their colleagues “Pocahontus.”  Immediately after the cameras left, of course.  The same senator who was silenced on the floor of the senate just days earlier after being told not to denigrate her colleague, Jeff Sessions, during his confirmation hearing debates.  The irony is staggering.

I have read several reports of the meeting and what is most troubling to me is the fact that not a single senator challenged President Trump for mocking a fellow senator or abusing his power as President.  They sat there, silent and complicit, both Democrats and Republicans.  Turns out, being cowardly is not restricted to a single political faction.  Someone or someones leaked the story, as both Politico and CNN reported on it yesterday.

Stories indicate the climate in the room during the exchange was “awkward,” awkward, apparently, being code for knowing something was transpiring that was wrong, but no one present had the will or courage to challenge it.  Instead, they relied on the press, an institution already in Trump’s bad graces, to let Americans know what had happened.

Should we expect at least as much from a sitting U.S. Senator as we do our school children?  Why, yes, yes we should.  These elected officials could learn something from children across the U.S. who are encouraged to do something they themselves are unable or unwilling to do.

Is it harder when the bully is our president?  Certainly.  Is it any less important?  Definitely not.  I’m talking to you, Senators Joe Manchin, Heidi Heitkamp, Jon Tester, Lamar Alexander, Chris Coons, Shelley Moore Capito, John Cornyn, Chuck Grassley, Joe Donnelly and Michael Bennet.

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RELATED:  We Teach Our Kids Not to Act Like Donald Trump, And Yet He May Be Our Next President

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Nevertheless, She Persisted: What George Lopez and Mitch McConnell Have In Common

Women have persisted since the beginning of time.  It is what we do.  It is what we have always done and it is what we will continue to do, despite whatever challenge may present itself.

When I participated in the Women’s March last month and wrote about it, some of the feedback I got, from fellow women, no less, was wondering why on earth women felt the need to march in the first place.  “What was the problem?,” was the question, “Women have never had it better!  We can vote and own property and work in whatever profession we choose!”

Those things are true for many women, but certainly not all women.  They are, for instance, truer for white women than women of color.  They are truer for women native to America than for women who have immigrated here.  Some women have trouble acknowledging this reality, but that does not negate its truth.

This week, watching two completely unrelated situations unfold with women being silenced at the center of them, has reminded me of why so many millions of women showed up on January 21, and why we must continuing showing up and speaking up.

Earlier this week, Senator Elizabeth Warren, a Democrat from Massachusetts, was silenced on the Senate floor during debate of the confirmation of fellow Senator Jeff Sessions, a Republican from Alabama, to become the Attorney General of these United States. Senator Warren, reciting a letter written about Senator Session in 1986 when he was being considered as a federal judge, was told that her words were out of order and in violation of a rarely enacted Senate rule that forbids Senators from personally disparaging one another during debate.

Hard to consider a robust debate about the merits of someone to assume office when you are unable to speak frankly about the accusations that have been made about them not so very long ago.  Senator Rubio supported the effort to silence Senator Warren saying that when Hillary Clinton’s confirmation as Secretary of State was being debated, while senators might have wanted to disparage her, no one did.  No time to fact check that little tidbit right now, but rest assured I shall.

More troubling to me is that other senators, following the silencing of Senator Warren, were allowed to read from the exact document she had attempted to read from without any challenge made to them.  Huh.  How that can be justified, I do not know.  Senator McConnell, defending his actions, stated, “She was warned.  She was given an explanation.  Nevertheless, she persisted.”  A new feminist anthem was born.

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The second instance I watched this week involved the expulsion of a female heckler at a comedy show of George Lopez.  After making an off color joke about blacks and Latinos, a woman in the audience had the audacity to raise her middle finger in silent protest. Lopez saw the gesture and pounced.

A man of power, holding a microphone, engaged in, what I can call without hyperbole, a verbal assault on the women that only ended when she and her friends left the show.  I watched the exchange and it disgusted me, equally for the words the comedian used, referring to the woman as a bitch, as well as for the other audience members who hooted and hollered their approval.  It seriously made my stomach turn to see such ugliness celebrated.

For me, the question isn’t whether or not George Lopez had the right to make a racist joke, truth is, he does, but it was his response to a silent heckler that was totally disproportionate to her negative response to his particular brand of humor.  It was a classic example of demonstrating power aggressively, silencing and removing a woman who dared object to him.

This happens all the time.  It is shameful evidence of how women continue to be treated and received as less than in our culture.  And you can use rules and a genteel manner, or you can use verbal assault and a mob mentality as your tools, but the common denominator is the ongoing attempt to keep women in their place, silent, passive, submissive.

I will keep marching.  I will keep writing.  I will keep speaking.  I will persist.  We all must, because, as women, there is no other way.

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Thank you, Garbage Man

I was driving to get my kiddo from school the other week and saw the garbage man pictured below, literally hanging out.  So many days later, and he is still in my thoughts.

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I trailed the truck for a mile or so, the man hanging on to the side of the truck, watching the Chicago streets pass him by.  It was cold that day. When we got to another red light, he jumped off to gather some rubbish.  I rolled down my window and yelled out, “Sir? Thank you!  I just wanted to say thanks for all you do to keep our city clean.”  He smiled and nodded, then picked up some trash.

Why did I take a picture of him?  Why did I roll down my window to thank him?  Why am I still thinking about all of this?  I don’t know, really, other than things feel so complicated right now, but a man doing his job that helps so many others without any fanfare or recognition somehow feels a bit like an anchor to me right now.

It cost me nothing to say thank you.  I’m glad I did.